To Live is Christ!

It is "my earnest expectation and hope, that I will not be put to shame in anything, but that with all boldness, Christ will even now, as always, be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain."

- Philippians 1:20-21

"O Lord, You have searched me and known me." - Psalm 139:1

"O God, I have tasted Thy goodness, and it has both satisfied me and made me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need for further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want Thee; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Thy glory, I pray Thee, so that I may know Thee indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, "Rise up my love, my fair one, and come away." Then give me grace to rise and follow Thee up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long." A. W. Tozer

This prayer by A.W. Tozer has been the cry of my heart for the past two years. I have tasted the goodness of God and have been satisfied, and yet God knew that there was a deep root of pride clinging in my heart that must be removed. I wanted it removed (and still do), but I didn't realize how painful the road would be.

It is usually after times of great spiritual triumph that we are directed by our Guide into a wilderness. Our Lord Jesus was. After His magnificent baptism in which "the Holy Spirit descended upon Him in bodily form like a dove, and a voice came out of heaven, (saying) 'You are My beloved Son, in You I am well-pleased,'" (Luke 3:21-22) Jesus was then "led around by the Spirit in the wilderness for forty days, being tempted by the devil." (Luke 4:1-2)

A great spiritual triumph for me reached a climax at the time of my high school graduation. I was really feeling spiritually strong at the time, yet the Lord knew that pride, jealousy, and anger had a strong foothold in my heart. Sometime after the summer of my grad, I entered a wilderness of wrestling with what I truly believed; a wilderness that would last for over a year and a half. God had some pruning to do!

In the summer of 2009 I began this blog. I was very strong and deliberate in my posts that Christians must give their all for Christ. They must be willing to die for Him. They must be unashamed of the Gospel. All this is true, but most of it was not true of me. I was not practicing what I was preaching, and God was going to get my attention.

Although I don't remember the exact details, I do know that I began waking up every morning with the immediate thoughts "God does not exist. God is not real." I could not fathom where these thoughts were coming from, and I couldn't get rid of them. I began to pray, "Lord, help me to see you! Help me to feel Your presence; know You're there. Lord, 'restore to me the joy of Your salvation.'" Yet, there was nothing.

Or so I thought. God was still there, and He had a very important lesson for me.

"Jesus, can you hear me? Please hear me!" I used to cry silently at night. "Sarah, you must obey Me," He would gently whisper back to my soul. "You must relinquish your fear and pride. You must tell others of what I have done for you." "But Lord, I don't feel like I am close to You. I don't feel like You are near or real," I would say. "Make Yourself real to me, again."

"I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry. He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord."

- Psalm 40:1-3

"We don't live by what we feel; we live by what is real!" - C.J. Mahaney

Well, I wasn't always as patient as I should have been, but O was Jesus Christ patient with me! As I struggled with "feelings", God brought me strength through these things:


"I've got something to say
It's been one of those days
When I'm finding it hard to believe in You

I've got something to say
I've forgotten how to pray
And I'm finding it hard to believe the truth

I've got something to say
Right now it feels like You are slipping away
Like I am drowning in a crisis of faith
Like I'm alone

I've got something to say
What was black and white is grey
And I'm finding it hard to believe in You

And faith might mean there won't be answers
And hope might mean enduring through the night
But help me not forget in darkness
The things that I believed in light" (Starfield)

God used this song to really pierce my heart. I began to realize that though I may feel like God is not real or not really there, I must have faith. I must have hope. I must obey. Even in the dark times, I must remember "the things that I believed in light."

"Since I am afflicted and needy, let the Lord be mindful of me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God."

- Psalm 40:17

God did not delay. With His everlasting arms He lifted me up, and He did this through Psalm 42.

"As the deer pants for the water brooks, so my soul pants for You, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God; When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all day long,
'Where is your God?'
These things I remember and I pour out my soul within me...

"Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.
O my God, my soul is in despair within me; therefore I remember You...

"Deep calls to deep at the sound of Your waterfalls;
All Your breakers and Your waves have rolled over me.
The Lord will command His lovingkindness in the daytime;
And His song will be with me in the night, a prayer to the God of my life.
I will say to God my rock, 'Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?'
As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me, while they say to me all day long,
'Where is your God?'

"Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God."

Though my heart was in despair and it seemed that "all (His) breakers and (His) waves" were rolling over me, and when it seemed that God had forgotten about me, and my enemies continued to taunt me saying, "Where is your God?", Christ allowed me to hope. As He gave me the strength to obey Him, He restored to me the joy of my salvation!

"Glory in His holy name; Let the heart of those who seek the Lord be glad."

-Psalm 105:3

Two things I have learned from this experience and hope you will take to heart:

1. "We don't live by what we feel; we live by what is real!" &
2. We must obey Christ, no matter the circumstances or how we feel.

Though I still am proud, still fear man, still have doubts, still am tempted to live by what I feel and not by what is real, and still sin, I now know that I must stop listening to myself! I must talk to myself, telling myself to "hope in God!" I must remain steadfast upon the Lord.

"It is a trustworthy statement:
For if we died with Him, we will also live with Him;
If we endure, we will also reign with Him;
If we deny Him, He also will deny us;
If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself."

- 2 Timothy 2:11-13

So, dear friend, take courage! Our God is a strong fortress around us. He is here, and He is not silent.